New York is a Good Thing

Here’s Why:

1. I am near the AT. I can section hike it this summer. This will be an incredible experience and good preparation for the PCT and a chance to meet people with similar interests.

2. I needed to shake up my life in CO. I wasn’t happy there, either. Leaving and coming here is helping me determine what is really important to me.

3. It’s an opportunity to get to know my brother better. We’re living together, after all.

4. I’m walking a lot. It’s good for me.

5. I got rid of a lot of material items that were cluttering up my life. It was much needed.

6. Sloughing off the complacency has exposed some underlying issues that have been limiting me for years. If I choose to do something about the insecurities and improve myself because I’m more aware of them, that’s a very good thing.

7. I’m closer to Victoria, physically. Of course this doesn’t mean much because somehow we’re both too busy to actually spend much time together and that totally sucks. Which leads me to….

Some Things Need Improvement:

1. I really like to be by myself. It’s not really possible in this city, and my brother is always around. I need to find ways of being alone so that I can be comfortable to seek out companionship, instead of always having my brother around and getting both tired of people because of it, but also lonely because I never see anybody else. I miss Victoria and she’s in the damn city with me, but I never want to put forth the effort actually go out and see anybody. I made a new friend in MaryBeth but I have seen her twice total and now I think that friendship is going to fizzle, which sucks because I like her.

2. I need to do my breathing exercises. I’m not taking the time for it and I’ve been overbreathing badly. At the very least I should start wearing an awareness belt.

3. Work is really problematic. I am increasingly miserable and if I can quantify the problems I can talk to Chief of Staff about it and hopefully improve it. Or I can begin the process of putting in my notice and disentangling myself.

4. I need to find a therapist and talk about why I hate it here and why I’m crying almost every day and why I don’t feel valued or like I’m accomplishing anything at work but at the same time feel like they can’t do without me.

5. I need to join a gym and learn how to exercise.

6. I need to stop eating shit just because it’s in the house. I need to stop eating gluten when I know it bothers me, and I need to quit letting my brother influence me so much just because he’s around. I don’t want to eat so much dairy or dessert – I don’t like how it feels and I think I’m doing it because I’m unhappy and it’s easy.

But the strange thing is that I’m going to be in Boulder for over a week – I leave tomorrow – and I haven’t really told anybody. I actually think the real reason is that everybody is going to ask me about how awesome New York is and I don’t want to lie to everybody.

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