it’s not what you (I) think it is

I’m not going to put this on social media (which says interesting things about my psyche – I’ll post a story about bondage and consent on facebook but not this post?) but I just have to say it because it’s all been inside of me and I hope that writing will make me feel better.

I’m really unhappy. Not when I’m around people, working. It’s in the moments of silence, of solitude. Being with people is simultaneously both bolstering and draining: it feels good while it’s happening but the moment I’m alone all the energy just sort of drains out of me. I find myself not wanting to do anything. I hate how messy my house is but I can’t bring myself to clean it. I don’t want to go to work. I want to be in my PJs on the couch all day.

But I *do* go to work. I do. And I do just fine at my job. But especially with some recent changes that happened at Day Job – now instead of doing my own job I’m going to be managing my fucking coworkers, which I really, really don’t want to do. In fact I’ve been working over the past month or so to remove myself from projects that I don’t need to be involved in. Now I’m getting added back to them to make sure that things are actually happening and don’t stagnate. And this makes me unhappy.

If I could point to one thing and say “that – that’s what makes me sad” I think I’d feel better because then there would be something I could change. But it’s a whole bunch of things and really they’re all tiny – I think they’re symptoms and not causes. Like, I’m a little raw so this bullshit about managing my coworkers just gets to me when I should just be able to push through.

I refuse to use the D word. In fact I won’t even look up symptoms because I think I’ll self-diagnose and what’s that going to help? And there’s also stigma (imagined?) and this feeling that’s like, if it’s just me being lazy and emotional I can get over it if I want to. If it’s something else, if it’s That Word, then I don’t actually have any control over it. And I don’t think I could handle that.

3 thoughts on “it’s not what you (I) think it is

  1. This spoke to me so much Anja, I really wanted to post the link on my facebook so people could understand a little more how I suffer with my depression. Chickened out of course but I might do my own post like this and hopefully be brave enough to share it.

    • I hope that you do! I’d forgotten about writing this post and am suffering the same feelings in my life right now, so it was interesting to re-read my post and realize I could have written it yesterday and the details would have been different but the rest of it, especially the desire to “point to one thing and say ‘that – that’s what makes me sad'” because then I could fix it, felt so immediate.

      • I’m sorry you’ve been reliving some of these feelings. It’s strange how we can be in a completely different situation but still use the same emotional blueprint to process negativity. A really great therapist once told me that so many of us relive our pain unnecessarily because of how we’ve conditioned ourselves to deal with negativity or stress. Once I realised I was doing it, it became so much easier to stop. I hope you’re feeling less shitty now.

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