Today’s National Coming Out Day. Yay, gay!
I’ve known since I was 14 that I’m attracted to women as much as I am attracted to men. I tell my close friends and occasionally I tell other people around me but it’s not like it’s something that I talk about a lot. I’m certainly not “out” on social media.
I would NEVER make a declaration on facebook or whatevs today – and every single coming out day for the past 5 years I get this rush of adrenaline and wonder “should I?” But I don’t. Because of a bizarre sexual-identity version of Impostor Syndrome. I KNOW that I’m attracted to women. I get huge embarrassing crushes and I’ve had sexual encounters with women but I’ve never been in a relationship with a woman (high school aside). But at this point I’m almost afraid to date women because I don’t have very much experience and I don’t want to be shunned by a community that I don’t really belong to because I can and do date men. I not only pass – in a way I also am. I’m not the woman that you look at and think “gay” – and I don’t want to change my style in order to speak some secret language.
The thing is that I desperately want to date women. Every time I break up with a boyfriend I tell myself (and friends, in a joking-not-joking way): this time I’ll date a chick.
But I’m scared. And complacent. And I usually end up dating somebody because they pursue me and I don’t say no. Which obviously isn’t going to happen with a woman.