coming out

Today’s National Coming Out Day. Yay, gay!

But seriously….

I’ve known since I was 14 that I’m attracted to women as much as I am attracted to men. I tell my close friends and occasionally I tell other people around me but it’s not like it’s something that I talk about a lot. I’m certainly not “out” on social media.

I would NEVER make a declaration on facebook or whatevs today – and every single coming out day for the past 5 years I get this rush of adrenaline and wonder “should I?” But I don’t. Because of a bizarre sexual-identity version of Impostor Syndrome. I KNOW that I’m attracted to women. I get huge embarrassing crushes and I’ve had sexual encounters with women but I’ve never been in a relationship with a woman (high school aside). But at this point I’m almost afraid to date women because I don’t have very much experience and I don’t want to be shunned by a community that I don’t really belong to because I can and do date men. I not only pass – in a way I also am. I’m not the woman that you look at and think “gay” – and I don’t want to change my style in order to speak some secret language.

The thing is that I desperately want to date women. Every time I break up with a boyfriend I tell myself (and friends, in a joking-not-joking way): this time I’ll date a chick.

But I’m scared. And complacent. And I usually end up dating somebody because they pursue me and I don’t say no. Which obviously isn’t going to happen with a woman.

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3 thoughts on “coming out

  1. Are we one and the same? This is exactly how I’ve felt since forever. I’m currently in a happy long-term relationship with a man but I don’t think that stops me from being bisexual. I have never gotten involved in the LGBT community for fear of not being accepted for being a “fence sitter”.

    Embrace it girl, I really regret not being more open and pursuing my female crushes more when I was single.

    • I love that you read back through these older posts and that they spoke to you.
      I am actually currently using a women-for-women dating app called Her and trying to meet queer women. It’s all very exciting and frightening. Wish me luck!

      • Oh that’s great news, will you be writing a review? I’d love to hear how you found it and how it differs from straight dating apps. Wish you all the best!

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