confidence

I’m really sick of how much I let other people’s opinions of me hold so much importance to my happiness.

And it’s not even their actual opinions – it’s my perception of what their opinion of me might be, based on one e-mail or sentence or interaction.

I work very closely with a local theatre company. They told me I was invaluable on this production and that it wouldn’t have happened without me. I was thanked specifically by the one person I worked most closely with – he bought me a bottle of good whisky in appreciation for all my help. But this is my 3rd season with them and I haven’t been asked to join their company as a member. I don’t necessarily want to be a company member, but I want to be asked, you know?

There’s one person at my day job who is really incredibly mean to me. He makes it hard to do my job. When I call him out on his inappropriate and unacceptable behavior, he calls me a crybaby and says, “This is the way I am – you need to learn how to deal with it. Everybody else at work sees this and tells me he’s a jerk but I can’t help getting upset about him. It’s affecting how I do my job and my confidence in other things because every time I have to interact with him I’m afraid he’s going to cut me down. I carefully plan how I’m going to approach him about routine things because I don’t know how he’ll react.

My little brother works for the company, too. He’s incredibly talented and picks things up quickly and sometimes (often) I feel like he’s the better of the siblings. I watch things come to him so effortlessly at work – a program I’ve been watching tutorials on and trying to learn for weeks he grasps in a day, for example.

I’m afraid I won’t get into grad school because of my lack of design experience and because I’m not really a designer and I’ve just been making it up as I go along.

I have a string of failed relationships behind me and wouldn’t be surprised if I never find anybody to spend my life with. I don’t think I’m attractive and I’m socially awkward and a little neurotic and I work too much.

I want confidence in myself. The Confidence Gap – A really good article.

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One thought on “confidence

  1. I could argue with you & say that all those things you think about yourself simply aren’t true. But that’s not the point, really, is it? The point is, you don’t see yourself as awesome as I do. Which makes me sad. But I totally get it, because self confidence is some fucking elusive shit.

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