All the Buffy spoilers

I’m watching a show from the beginning with the boyfriend. It is ridiculous how much I love this show. But unfortunately it because I know its so well and because I love it so much, I have a tendency to spoil things for him right before they happen, because I just can’t contain myself. So you are, in order, everything that I just can’t stand and have to share.

I’ve listened to the musical soundtrack 4 times through in the past 24 hours, and now I’m watching it alone and cackling to myself. (I also watched the David Fury Behind the Scenes, then Joss’ commentary once I was finished. I just needed to live it for a few hours and now I feel better.)

But you guys, we can’t watch it on Netflix because the one-sentence descriptions give away the major plot points so you can find what you’re looking for if you don’t remember exactly what happens in every single episode, or what they’re called. Also once we hit a certain point I can’t let him look at the DVD case. Like, season 6 is covered in Dark!Willow.

  • Jesse dies!And then nobody ever mentions him again.
  • Buffy dies! In a really pretty dress. Everybody, including the master, compliments heron it.
  • Turns out there’s another Slayer! Her name is Kendra and she got Called because Buffy died, but since Buffy got revived, there are TWO of them. So much for “One girl in all the world!”
  • Spike gets an organ dropped on him and ends up in a wheelchair!
  • Angel and Buffy have sex! And Angel loses his soul and turns evil! And tries to kill everybody!
  • Jenny Callendar was actually a gypsy from the tribe that originally cursed Angel! They find out, then Jenny dies!
  • Kendra dies! And Buffy is under investigation!
  • Spike is faking being paralyzed! And he joins up with Buffy to beat Angel(us) so he can get Drusilla back!
  • Willow gives Angel his soul back! Just in time for Buffy to have to kill him anyway!
  • Buffy runs away to LA right after her mom finds out that she’s the Slayer!
  • There’s a new Slayer! Her name is Faith and she’s a badass!
  • Angel comes back from hell! Buffy finds out and keeps it a secret from everyone else!
  • Faith’s new Watcher is evil! And everyone finds out that Angel is back and Buffy was lying!
  • Anyanka the Vengeance Demon! Buffy beats her in an alternate dimension and she loses her power and gets stuck in her 90s-schoolgirl identity.
  • Wesley! Is HILARIOUS! His kiss with Cordelia!
  • Angel decides to kill himself by waiting for the sunrise – only it SNOWS. Also we get a glimpse of the First Evil!
  • Faith joins the Mayor! She shoots Angel with a poisoned arrow and only the blood of a Slayer can cure him! Buffy goes after her and stabs her with her own knife! Faith flings herself off the building and onto a moving truck so that Buffy can’t feed her to Angel! Buffy feeds herself to Angel instead!
  • Faith didn’t die! She’s in a coma!
  • The Mayor is a giant evil snake demon and they blow up the school to defeat him!
  • Angel leaves for LA and everybody (really, only Buffy) is really sad.
  • SPIKE COMES BACK! And gets captured by the Commandos, who plant a behavior-modification chip in his head so he can’t hurt people. Which leads to a hilarious confrontation with Willow, followed by the Best Thanksgiving Ever.
  • Buffy goes to LA to confront Angel after the Best Thanksgiving Ever – and he miraculously turned human because of touching this demon’s blood. By the end of the episode he realizes it isn’t as good as he thought it’d be so he goes to these oracles for the PtB and gets them to rewind the day. And Angel is the only one who remembers, and it’s SO HEARTBREAKING.
  • Buffy’s new boyfriend is part of an underground demon-fighting branch of the Army, run by a corrupt scientist/teacher who’s been drugging all the men and making a demon-hybrid Frankenstein’s monster creature.
  • Faith wakes up from her coma and switches bodies with Buffy! The Watchers’ wetworks team takes Buffy-in-Faith away. Buffy kicks their asses and re-swaps with Faith.
  • Buffy and crew do this awesome spell that blends their strengths and deposit them into an Extra!Super!Buffy who kicks ADAM’s ass.Then they dream about the 1st Slayer and the Cheese Guy.
  • Spike discovers he can hurt demons and is gleeful.
  • Oz leaves Willow! Willow meets a pretty girl in Wicca group who’s also a witch and they become the most adorable girlfriends anybody has ever seen. (And had the first primetime TV lesbian kiss in history!)
  • Buffy has a sister! Her name is Dawn! She’s not a real person, she’s a mystical energy Key to another dimension, made into human form so that the Slayer will protect her from Glory – a Hell God from another dimension. They also implanted fake memories in everybody, but Buffy figures it out within 2 episodes.
  • Joyce gets sick with this brain tumor! While she’s sick she sees through the enchantment on Dawn.
  • Spike gets disturbingly obsessed with Buffy. He gets Warren to build a Buffy!Bot!
  • Joyce dies. This episode, The Body, has absolutely no musical score.
  • Ben is Glory! Glory is Ben!
  • They decide they can’t defeat Glory and they run to the desert. Glory finds them.
  • Xander proposes to Anya pre-Apocalypse.
  • Giles kills Ben. But creepy Doc already opened the portal and only Dawn’s death willclose the portal. Buffy realizes that if Dawn was made from her, they have the same blood, so her death will do. 
  • Buffy dies. (Again.)
  • They drag the Buffy!Bot out of storage to pretend to be her. Dawn now has no guardian, and there is no Slayer to guard the Hellmouth because Faith is in prison. There’s talk of trying to assassinate Faith.
  • Willow brings Buffy back to life! In the Musical there’s a huge revelation – Buffy was in Heaven, not a Hell dimension like everybody was worried about.
  • Buffy starts sleeping with Spike! The first time, they very nearly bring the building down around them. 
  • Willow gets dangerously into magic! She and Tara fight about it and she does a spell to make Tara forget! Tara finds out and leaves her!
  • Willow gets MORE dangerously into magic! She turns Amy the Rat back into a girl again! Amy takes her to some skeezy places/people and bad  bad stuff happens.
  • The entirety of this season, Buffy and crew are plagued by this Geek Trio. They’re the big evil but they’re also really not.
  • But – Warren kills Tara! With a gun! By accident – he was aiming for Buffy. Willow goes crazy! She goes literally physically black with magic and flays Warren.
  • Xander brings Willow back from the brink. MAKES ME CRY. Every. Time. 
  • Oh! Oh! Spike LEAVES. He tries to rape Buffy – but their relationship has been so No-Means-Yes and so violent that it’s blurrier than those situations often are. They have this fascinating argument/conversation and he goes to this demon thingy to – I think the words are “be worthy” of her. He thinks he wants the chip out so he can kill her, but he GETS HIS SOUL!!!
  • Willow goes to England with Giles to work with this Coven to heal herself and learn how to use magic safely.
  • All these young girls are getting killed everywhere. Turns out these guys work for the First Evil (there they are again!) and it turns out they’re Potential Slayers. Giles brings every Potential he can to Buffy.
  • The First can show up as anybody who’s ever died. Spike is crazy in the basement of the new high school – which they rebuilt on the Hellmouth again – and The First shows up to him as Buffy a lot.
  • Xander leaves Anya at the altar after being shown a vision of a horrible potential future. 
  • Anya goes back to being a Vengeance demon but she’s really bad at it now! Buffy almost has to kill her. It’s a tense episode.
  • The episode where Willow comes back and is invisible because she made herself that way because she was afraid of seeing everyone.
  • Malcolm Reynolds is an evil preacher.
  • Buffy is cookie dough.
  • Spike wears Angel’s amulet and closes the Hellmouth to defeat the First. The whole damn town becomes a crater.
  • Spike dies. Anya dies. Willow’s icky little girlfriend doesn’t.

Okay I think I’m done.

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